Or, how about your CHILD?

1. Do you feel as though you have never been able to make friends?
2. Do people tend to edge away from you?
3. Have you met somebody and thought you hit it off, but never saw them again?
4. Do people think you don’t care about them when you actually do?
5. Does your boss think you don’t care about your work when you actually do?

If the questions above have ever pertained to you, you are in good company. Virtually everyone has, at one time or another felt that they just didn’t understand what went wrong in their interactions with other people. We learn the ins and outs of communication at home and fine tune them as we grow, go to school, sports, work, but may never really receive formal instruction regarding what works.

A name has been coined for this phenomenon of not catching the cues we need to interact successfully with others. It is called dyssemia, and it refers to the inability to either send appropriate nonverbal cues or to receive useful nonverbal cues.

So you’re standing in the doorway and talking in a low voice to Ruth about something personal, and Gene barges in and starts talking, or stands too close to you. This is an example of receptive dyssemia, the inability to “get it.” If Gene had learned appropriate distancing, or if he noticed the low voices or the closeness of the conversation between you and Ruth, he would have saved his comments for a later time or place.

Expressive dyssemia is the other side of the coin. You may be sitting alone at lunch, hoping someone will join you, but everyone seems to be shunning you. What’s wrong with me, you might ask yourself? In this case it is possible that you are sending out nonverbal messages to the effect of “leave me alone” or “I don’t care whether I’m alone or not” or “I’m angry.” You may not even know you are doing so, but the net effect is that you are still alone.

The mystery of “fitting in” with others is frequently about skills that we may already have, but don’t know how or where or when to use them. Through a comprehensive training using mentors, video, self-rating, skills training and general information about communication, you can learn expressive and receptive tips to ease your way into communication with other.

Gail has been a teacher, a music teacher, a social worker and a psychotherapist in private practice. She is a past member of NAMI and EMDRIA. She is currently a member of the Red Cross Disaster Mental Health Services, the Women’s Therapist Association of Grand Rapids, NASW, and the American Council of Social Workers.